The Chester & Related Poultry Gatherings

With such a wide diversity of animal life in Brazil, it seems strange that the locals would want to invent more. But such oddness can be traced back to the Dutch, who after founding Recife either forgot to look behind them and marvel at the 5,000km of expanse or just played to their strengths and began reclaiming land from the sea. It is this logic that has sidelined the turkey as the traditional Christmas dinner of choice. The Chester® was invented by Perdigao, the second largest food processing company in Brazil. The closest to an image we can get is of these Perdigao mandarins whispering about its wingspan. Regular emails to Perdigao about this mutant

Why the name Chester®?

Are male Chesters® called man-Chesters? And if so, marketing opportunities are going a begging…

Do they have sex bits?

have been stonewalled.*****New shit has come to light*****


Why is it so popular? One theory suggests it has to do with wanting to escape Brazil’s slave-happy past. Brazil only abolished slavery in 1888. Not far from Recife, the thriving tourist beach Porto de Galinhas (The Chicken Port) was a major drop off point for slaves arriving from Africa. Cunningly, slaves were given the codename Galinhas (chickens) in a sleight of hand that would surely have had code-crackers in Bletchley Park utterly stumped. Recent moves to rename the resort Porto de Chester® are ongoing, though interestingly, none of the recent election candidates could provide a definitive stance on the issue.

Desperate woman tries to nab last
Chester on Xmas Eve

Without wanting to descend into poultry smut, locals will tell you that you get more breast for your buck and that the meat is not as dry* as that foul turkey beast. They’ll even go as far as to proclaim it to be a more viable option pricewise (which it isn’t). However, as long as you have the old

What came first? The Chester® or the Egg?

line up your sleeve… Recently, other Chester®-wannabes have started to infiltrate this lucrative market. The Blesser, The Fiesta and my personal favourite, the local Brickster have all swelled bellies this Jesus Day past. My first dalliance with The Chester® came at the family Christmas before last, when it was given pride of place for dinner.  Despite my objections to eating invented animals, I chewed on the Chester® and vowed

NO MORE! NEXT CHRISTMAS WILL BE DIFFERENT!

It worked, sort of. This Christmas Chester® was dumped for The Fiesta. This did result in a clandestine purchase and roast of a real turkey which was divided evenly and fairly with a fellow traveller who prefers not to be named for fear of familial retribution.

Coming from a Chester®skeptic background makes you see other Brazilian-animal interaction in a different light. It is not uncommon to see lads giving their caged budgies an afternoon stroll and for many, the words ‘goat’ and ‘Garrincha’ conjure up uncomfortable images of awkward first experiences. Pernambuco in particular has a rich history of animal veneration. The local Animal Exposition in Caxanga is a must on the social calendar**, as is the annual International Goat Congress. But the social event of the year has to be the Corrida das Galinhas.

Man, bird & gash on tap for a year

In the Frangodromo in São Bento, grown men chase chickens around a fenced off track. The goal is to reach the end of the circuit behind your chicken. Furious preparation goes into it. Months are spent running behind your chicken, clapping furiously and devising secret signals. (Unfortunately I was unable to procure a Rockyesque training montage but this is one of my new years resolutions.) But that is only but part of this triathlon. If Olympic jockeys showed the footage to their horses they would just dirty protest, such is animal solidarity in competitive sport these days. Part two of the competition is to eat two cooked chickens as quickly as possible. But there is a twist. Contestants must stuff their faces in view of their own chickens, which must qualify as a form of cruelty.*** Then, participants compete to give the most convincing chicken cluck.


Sounds easy? You try it after a cut throat race with two full chickens in yer gut.The winner trousers R$500, the envy of the town**** and his (and the chickens) feet on a pavement of fame. They are paraded around the town sitting on the front of a van, chicken in hand. For anyone thinking of taking this in during a visit to Brazil, good news is that chickens coached to a fairly high level and can be rented for a nominal fee.


* Always such a dampner.


** Highlights include paying R$2 into an old darkened bus where a sexy woman turns into a Monga before your eyes. It is a terrifying experience.


***Chesters®, Bricksters etc. are banned. Personally I feel they should be allowed, as while they would undoubtedly bring an advantage in the foot race, their superior size would bring problems during the eating round and offer more edge of the seat stuff for the spectators.


**** Plus unending lady perks one would imagine Interested in sending a loved one a Chester® dance? Click here follow the Cira Sua Danca link, upload your face, and your are in dreamland. 


***** A Perdigoon went into the Chester® coop, took a snap of this alleged Chester® and sent it to me. Said goon said all the info I asked about was on their website. I can confirm there is no section called 'Chester® Sex Bits'.
  

Is this a Chester?