The Brazilian Calendar - Commemorating the Ridiculous

World Cup 2014 cunningly has no games on 6 July

Brazilian calendarologists are now entering their busy period. Next years calendars are due to hit the shops soon. Aside from their annual struggle to include all the days, calendar makers have two extra curve balls to deal with in 2012. The first is February 29^th. While it shouldn’t come as a shock one must remember that three consecutive years of assigning the right amount of days to each month takes its toll on the nations experts. The burnout rate is just below that of air traffic controllers. The last time it happened was in 2008 and to quote the chief Brazilian calendar spokesman -

It has been a damned serious business…the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life.

By all accounts it was that close. Only a late night November phone call to President Lula finally settled the matter. * Despite fierce pressure from the Ministério de Turismo to put the extra day on the 6^th February (to prolong Carnaval), printing presses were indeed halted. But news failed to reach the northeast until it was too late and Pernambuco enjoyed an extra days debauchery that year. Pernambucanos familiar with the concept of the calendar will be waiting with baited breath outside newsagents for 2012 diaries to hit the shelves next week. Rumours abound the extra day will be added in between 17-21 February. If a tree falls in a forest and all that…

The second hurdle Brazil’s illustrious calendar men must leap is the widespread belief that 2012 will herald the end of the world. In a veritable calendar-making coup, Brazil got it spot on in 2011, not only disregarding the 21 May as End Times but discounting the revised date of 21 October too. With such a crack team in place, hopes are high of a repeat performance. But therein lies the problem. You can only work with the information at your disposal. 2012 has no set date for the end of the world. Obviously it shouldn’t come before Carnaval, so when will it come? With such uncertainty around it makes sense to sneak in the extra day during Carnaval, just in case. There are contingency plans in place however. Printers have agreed to still print 365 (or is it 366?) pages in each diary for next year regardless of when the end of the world happens. The New Year doesn’t really start here until after Carnaval, and when you type in ‘plan ahead’ into computers here they break. Anyways, calendar makers here have enough on their plate to be worrying about the Apocalypse.

The campaign to expel Brazil from the UN starts here

A reliable yardstick of a state's mental well being can be fathomed by a glance at the holidays it commemorates. The Russians have a day for remembering the defeat of Nazism; the Americans celebrate Martin Luther King Day, the French have Bastille Day. Brazil has Goalkeepers Day (April 26 or July 6, take your pick). It’s just the way they roll. There is a day for everyone here. If you’re not on the list you’re a nobody! While these days aren’t national holidays, they might as well be for the professions concerned – though sometimes it can be difficult to tell.

Though football games of importance are generally avoided, occasionally Copa Libertadores games are scheduled on 26 April/July 6. This may go some way to explaining the underperformance of Brazilian clubs in the competition.

-       Why did you let in seven goals?

-       It’s Goalies Day man.

-       Oh, congratulations.

-       Cheers!

-       Always next year, eh?**

Lets look at the numbers. Brazil has 485 commemorative days yet they are crammed into 282, leaving 83 untouched days, accounting for leap years. January and February have only six between them (if you discount Carnaval as a moveable feast) while September and October account for 131 celebrations, mostly of gawk-eyed bullshit.

What! A white slave in Brazil! You're 'aving a laugh!

October is a particularly ridiculous month, getting the madness rolling early on with a special days for bees (October 3), who presumably are aware of what day it is and don’t sting anyone. The next day collects the baton and runs with Nature Day, Ecology Day, Dog Day, Saint Francis of Assisi Day before going leftfield and lobbing in O Dia do Barman and O Dia do Poeta as well as, as well as… The Day of the Health Agents and Endemic Diseases.

Skip forward a week to the twelfth and there is another well thought out collection of commemorations. Athletes, Agronomy and Children jostle for congratulations with the Sea (yes, the actual fucking sea), though all, in fairness, doff their hats to O Dia do Descobrimento da América - which is a great unifier when tensions between the groups inevitably become frayed. The madness continues with Livestock Engineer’s Day securing a day all on its own (14 October) before wiser heads prevail with O Dia do Normalista on the fifteenth. One would think that all the mentalists have to congratulate the normal with a backslap and beer but I suspect that The Day of the Normal has an altogether different meaning, devoid of reason.

From here on, things are if not ordinary, then just less demented. National Science and Technology Day is clandestinely celebrated on the 16^th (at least here in the northeast). There has been a notable increase of horses in the region, possibly due to impending doom and the Four selecting the best thoroughbreds in the region, cos' as my local restaurant tells me, if He’s coming back it’s gonna be in Recife. Soon after mind, this oasis of normalcy quickly dries up and lunacy rings the doorbell and you answer like a fool.

Is there a more worthy day, honestly

For the unsuspecting gringo, a firm understanding of the calendar is must. The unlucky can decide to go for a haircut on Hairdressers Day, get telemarketed on 4 July and be duped by a telemarketing operative drunk on congratulations or go trekking on the 30 September, Navigators Day, when maps nationwide refuse to give correct directions. Many foreigners have been committed with incurable madness of the head due to this lack of understanding. Don’t go for a pedicure on the 4 December, don’t get internally audited on 20 November (or do, who knows?), play tennis on the 9 June if you don’t normally play tennis, definitely don’t get a massage on May 25 whatever you do, you’re just asking for trouble. Never, ever book a flight with a travel agent on 24 April, unless you are adventurous. And spare a thought on the 13 April for O dia do Office Boy.

The Brazilian calendar says a lot about how society here works. I mean, April Fools Day is shared with the National Day for the Celebration of the End of Indian Slavery. Go figure.

* Some sources maintain that Lula was all for the idea but it came unstuck when he counted up the days on his fingers.

** This usually ends in the customary riot and an obligatory conspiracy theory. Brazilians will never accept that their team was just shit on the day. The 1998 World Cup Final etc.

*** With thanks to Ernesto.

**** Anyone interested in a full list of commemorative days can email me.